I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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