Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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