Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
