i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
