She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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