Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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