i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
