it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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