Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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