I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize