u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize