At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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