She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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