happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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