Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
