Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
