just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
