sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
