If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
