Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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