so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
