you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
