Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
