My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
