I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
