Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
