she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
