I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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