My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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