I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
