All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
