I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
