Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
