You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
