Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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