On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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