Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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