I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
