i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
