Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
