and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
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