Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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