you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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