The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
