I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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