If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Randomize
