11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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