Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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