I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
