Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
