so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he was CRYING into my vagina
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
