I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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