Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize