You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
