if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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