If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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