Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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